a way
Image credit: new year by Yoteyo from the Noun Project
A lot of things have changed. It's a new year but I haven't done my usual round-up of the previous year. I guess on the whole, I am feeling 'a way' about a lot of things.
That's a London term, or maybe it's an MLE (Multicultural London English) term - maybe they're the same thing. It means different things in different contexts, but generally it points to something not sitting right with you. Maybe you feel, angry, hurt, upset, annoyed or just mildly irritated. What it never means is that you feel good about something. And I don't feel good about 2018.
2018 was hard as shit, for me and on a much larger scale, thousands of people across the world, maybe even millions. I guess I could say that about every year. For me personally though, 2018 was a slog as I faced my depression again, feeling misplaced, misshapen, losing friends and an identity I had previously felt sure of. I learnt a lot during 2018 too, but I would be lying if I said I would go back and do it all over again.
So I spent New Year's Eve alone, giving 2018 the solitary fuck-you it deserved, in my humble opinion. And that was fine, because as soon as 2019 came into view, good stuff started to kick off. But still, I feel a way.
A lot was lost last year, and much was gained. I lost a chunk of confidence I had built up in 2017 in Melbourne. I realised that I only have a handful of very close friends that I would now call in a pinch here in London. One of my main people isn't that anymore, and I realised that they hadn't been for years. That was hard to face, but settling in a lot of ways too. I'm still not very lucky in love. I started a podcast with one of my favourite people. I won my first writing competition, had a few pieces published, and finished a book I had been writing for three years. I reconnected with my mum, which was unexpected and is still changing me for the better. I saw the truth of my relationship with other family members, which was painful but necessary. I'm still working on that one. I learnt more about my family history. I made a big decision about what I want my future to look like, and it helped me get to know myself better. I got a new job doing something I could grow to love. I changed, again.
Good things, bad things, and in-between. They've all left me feeling a way about the future, fearful, hopeful, uncertain and sure of what I definitely don't want. It feels like it's supposed to be a temporary state, but I've been feeling this way for a year now, and I'm still trying to decide if I just need to get used to it, or keep it pushing until I get to more solid ground. Who knows, but hopefully I'll find a way.
