family ties

Image credit: Bowline Knot by Alessandro Suraci from the Noun Project

Can things that were once bad for you, ever really become good?

This is one the things I've had to consider since coming back, recalling how I always struggled to feel like a part of the family when I was growing up. Most of my time was spent plotting how to eventually get away for good; a motivator that propelled me to succeed in certain areas, in order to reach my ultimate goal of living far, far away from the life I knew.

But I don’t dream of flying out of windows anymore, or of being chased by a dark hooded figure, the one my psychotherapy background tells me was just my fear personified.

Moving to Australia was the first big life decision I made that didn’t involve a calculation of how far away exactly I could get from family - even though it did end up being the furthest away I could possibly be from the UK, barring me leaving the planet entirely. No, I went solely for me, and that feeling has been a long-lasting one.

So returning to the fold, to family, I find myself trying to adjust to a role I was never really comfortable in. But I still slipped into it easily, still bristled right on cue when my mother commented on my weight, and still wished for a moment alone without anyone around; a wish I knew wasn’t possible in my current living conditions.

And contrasting that was an awareness of gratitude, of having a place to stay, of still having family ties, of not succumbing to the urge I had had for years to just excommunicate myself. I was glad I hadn’t, glad to have grown up some and gained clarity, perspective. My childhood, a gloomy window into depression, lost identity and a galactic optimism amongst tumultuous odds, still loomed. I don’t feel differently about who I was, only who I am now.

Yet I'm still musing over how quickly we all become children if the mood and time and company is right. And how impersonally temporary everything feels for me now. I guess this is not a chance to fix the wrongs of the past, only to acknowledge them, and keep focussing on moving on to the next place.