I am in limbo. Stuck between the ‘here’ that I have to be, and the ‘there’ that I want to be. But it’s not enough to simply say “I don’t want to be here”. It’s more complicated than that. And a lot more painful.
It’s 11pm and you’re still in the office. By your count you’ve worked at least 50 hours this week and it’s only Thursday. You’ve been working on a big piece of work, it’s important, you feel like you’ve put your blood, sweat and tears into it, trying to ready it for a presentation to the boss. But you already know you’ve wasted your time.
Let’s talk about the little things. Those small bits of life that separately seem fairly inconsequential, but together can become the cause of multiple tirades on the phone to PPI scouts and general customer service workers, the poor things. Sometimes people refer to these little things as “The straw that broke the camel’s back” or “Arse-ache” as it’s known in other, more frank circles.
I promised myself this week that I would seriously consider the subject of stress and de-stressing. But alas, I did not do that. I’ve barely given it any thought, which is why I never make promises. That is, I don’t make them to other people, but continue to do it to myself, knowing that I can’t really be mad at me if I don’t follow through. This endless cycle of babbling thoughts is why I haven’t done what I said I was going to do, and is a symptom of the stress that I have come to know very well.
Dissatisfaction is a difficult thing not to think about. It’s like an itch that’s in an awkward place that you can’t really get to alone, so you try to ignore it; convince yourself it’s not there. But the more you try to do that, the worse the itch becomes until it’s pretty much all you can think about, and now somehow, you’re itchy all over. People have always told me I’m an overthinker and I can’t think why…
‘Tis the month of April and fools alike! I thankfully was not the receiver of any pranks on April 1st; that I know of anyway. Instead I took a trip to the theatre to see Billy Elliot before it closed. I had wanted to see it since it opened some ten years ago, but true to form I just kept saying “eventually, eventually”, until I got kicked up the bum and into action when I saw that the show’s run was coming to an end. So this time at least, I beat procrastination.
A couple of weeks ago I read an article about this study in America that asked a thousand or so older people what their biggest regret in life was. My friends and I thought it would be ‘I wished I’d travelled more’ or ‘dated more’ or ‘eaten more’, but our guesses were all wrong. The overwhelming answer was ‘I wish I hadn’t spent so much of my life worrying’.
Doing something new every week is not all it’s cracked up to be guys. Sometimes you don’t have a new thing to do, you just have the same things you always do, and you’re not sure that doing those same things in a new way will really improve anything. Thus, you end up doing the same thing you’ve always done, until you arrive at Friday and wonder what the heck you did with your week and why no interesting memory stands out. So in case you were wondering what I’ve been getting into this week, it’s been this weird ass state of mind.
Well this week I had my phone stolen and that wasn’t great. My reaction to it was interesting though; and I realised I wasn’t as traumatised as I thought I would be. I mean, I wasn’t robbed at knife point or anything, I just left my phone in a coffee shop for a few minutes and when I remembered it and returned, it was gone. I was mostly angry at myself.