Sometimes I want to give up. Considering procrastination is this month’s theme, that notion seems very on trend and unfortunately recurring this month.
I would say I am a natural runner; someone who will find a way out of a difficult situation if I have to, by any means necessary. However, that is not to be confused with being a quitter, which I am not. I struggle with consistency in my own life, but if I have made a commitment to someone or something, then I will follow through and stick it out until I can stick it out no more. Well guys, I can stick it out no more.
I work a 9 to 5 like many people (although it’s much more like 9 to 7) and for a whole host of reasons, it’s just not fun anymore. Yes in an ideal world I would like to be able to write full time; but since my bank balance is not accommodating to such a dream and I haven’t yet landed that book deal, I need to work outside of that realm.
However, it’s never been a regular office job that I’ve worked; it’s always been with charities, motivated in some way to make a difference in the world – even if at one point my only contribution was filing papers and taking notes at meetings. This need was especially satisfied when I worked as a Psychotherapist, but as I am now retired from that life I need to ensure I am still doing something that means a better life for other people (maybe it’s my religious upbringing that has contributed to this desire but it’s a habit I have grown fond of and have no willingness to break right now).
And it’s useful to remember that there is no unselfish good deed; if I can help make someone’s life feel marginally better, then that makes me feel good and thus the circle of good vibes continues.
But shit has started to get real and feel bad in my current situation, and it’s not because of the people or the communities I work with. Let’s just say it is down to business and bureaucracy and politics and the usual nonsense that comes with a working life that I don’t want to live.
I tried to change things this week and was left sorely disappointed, which left me cursing the universe and everything in it and then kicking myself for not appreciating the good things I have, and then feeling worse about that. So a vicious cycle really.
What I realised however, is that I’ve been trying to avoid this procrastination disease that has arisen in me lately, rather than embracing it to really find out what the hell was bothering me. And sometimes it’s OK to feel sad and disappointed about something that is sad and disappointing, rather than immediately trying to look on the fake bright side and push your feelings down unnecessarily.
And once you realise what you’re down about, you can start to at least approach ideas of how to improve things. For me, I know that I need a change of environment that is positive, supportive, and has clear direction. I have people in my life that provide that for me on a relationship level, so why can’t the same be applied to my working life?
Image credit: Work by kadi franson from the Noun Project