In bad shape

I would say that my shape is a square. If I had to choose a shape, it would be that, both metaphorically and emotionally. I can fit into straight edges and when I can’t, I feel out of place. I think if you see yourself as a different shape, you might also experience similar things. So what am I talking about? Well I’m not sure; let’s see what shape this takes on.

Our life experiences shape us – this is not news obviously, I just put it in so you’d think that I knew stuff. Anyway, somehow I have become what some might call a square, and I don’t think this is a bad thing, although popular opinion might disagree with me. I mean I’m sorry but at least if I seem like a square, what you see is what you get. Or is it? I mean, lots of shapes can fit into a square, depending on how big the square is. I’m not going to go into diameters and tessellation because well, I don’t know anything about that and also who cares.

But if we’re going to run away with the metaphor of being a square, then I think we can also say that within a square can be a triangle, a circle, a hexagon, an octagon and so on and so on. On the outside, I seem like a square. I go to work, I work relatively hard, I come home, I cook dinner, and I go to sleep. I don’t really drink, I no longer enjoy big crowds or clubs teaming with sweaty dancing people, and I have no desire to jump out of a plane/ scale a building/ climb a mountain. I would call myself a square from this description, but I know myself a bit better than what I do and where I go.

I don’t drink because I don’t like losing control (and I hate hangovers), but that’s only because I once went to another country in my early twenties, got blind drunk and ended up in a pimped out truck with a booming bass and candy canes everywhere. The next day was one of the worst hangovers that have ever existed, probably.

If you read my other post about getting older, you’ll understand why I don’t like clubs and crowds anymore. And I’ve never had a strong desire to jump out of a plane because being faced with the feeling of imminent death does not excite me, it gives me anxiety. Maybe that makes me an anxious person, who knows.

I hate labels and the idea that we can fit into just one category. Maybe I’m a square around family, and a triangle around friends. Maybe I’m a circle at work and that lets me be flexible, whilst in relationships I am a hexagon – always trying to fit in with another person and never quite getting it right. Until eventually I go back to being a square again and become rigid in my thoughts and feelings, so that the other person couldn’t possibly fit in with me unless they were also a square, and then that seems boring and so I don’t want them.

In conclusion, crazy comes in all shapes and sizes apparently. Thanks for letting me share this rant with you.

Image credit: shape by Nook Fulloption from the Noun Project

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Maame Blue

Writer| Poet| Blogger| Ghanaian by heart, Londoner by nature

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